Heavy Shoulders (warning, this is emotionally graphic but I have to get it out)

So yeah, I guess I should say something about yesterday.
So yesterday my dad died. I wish I could say I was there right as it happened but I was barely 30 seconds away. I heard my mother yelling and went running to her bedroom to see what had happened. I came in to find my dad unconscious on the bed, my mother trying to wake him, frantically dialing 911. All she knew what to do was to call, she was hysterical and couldn’t think at all. I immediately checked for a pulse, and tried to listen for breath. I said, “I think I have to start CPR, I don’t feel a pulse or hear his heart,” and did so. I did it until the ambulance arrived, probably 20 minutes or more. If you’ve ever done CPR you’ll know that that is a very long physically exhausting time. Nothing I did made any difference. While I was there, I knew he was gone, I even said to my mom “I don’t think he’s going to come back mom,” in tears, “but I’m not stopping until the ambulance gets here.” I don’t ever give up hope. The ambulance arrived but I could see out the window as I was doing compressions that they went to the wrong house; they thought it was for my grandfather next-door. I quickly taught my mom how to do compressions, and then ran out the door to guide the ambulance to our house.

They finally got there and went in. They carried my dad to the living room and put him on the floor. They continued CPR and shocked him with the AED probably 7 or 10 times. I stood there helpless because I already knew it was over. I had worked on the ambulance and even worked with one of the EMTs who arrived, and I knew what the heart monitor was reading and it only confirmed what I already knew.

I told my mother to get in the ambulance and I would follow her in her car. I got her purse, cell phone, and let the dog out, then ran next-door to the other house my uncle lives in and told him what happened. I was very short, as I didn’t want to say anything. I told him to tell his brother and sister what was going on.

I got to the hospital, walked into the ER room, and they were still doing CPR but were about to stop because it took me quite a while to get there. I wasn’t driving very fast as it was 4:30am and I didn’t want to hit a deer. The doctor said that it had been over an hour since CPR was started and they just could not get his heart started again. They did an ultrasound and decided it was a blood clot in his lung that stopped circulation. There was just no way he could get oxygen. He said we did everything, and commended us on working as hard as we did performing CPR.

I never understood why I had worked on the Ambulance, but I think if I had not known how to do CPR, I would have beat myself up for not having been able to do anything. At least now I do know that I did everything humanly possible and by no fault of ours could we blame ourselves. I thank God for that.

As soon as the Dr. had told us I tried to comfort my mom. As I felt she was sufficiently comforted we agreed we should start calling people. I went outside the ER doors to the ambulance, sat down against the wall on the sidewalk, and called my little brother. Ok… this is the most emotional part for me. I had to tell my brother that our father died, over the phone. He was a 12 hour drive away. It’s not fair. I could hear him fall to pieces over the phone. I can’t tell you the intensely indescribable change in his voice from the moment he said “hello” to the crying desperation of “no…” I couldn’t hold it together. And what was worse, I had to tell him I needed to see mom inside as my phone had no signal inside.

We waited there in the ER room. We were waiting for the pastor and his wife to arrive. The pastor was my dad’s best friend, and he was just as emotional as we were about all of this.

The one thing that was the worse was our youngest sister was camping out at a lake with her husband’s family for his birthday. She had no signal and we were not even sure what campsite she was at. We decided to eat breakfast together me my mother and the pastor and his wife since it was 7am by this time. Amazingly we found my best friend Jason at the restaurant having breakfast. He told me he’d show up at the house later that day after his work. We decided that the pastor and I would go on a drive to find my sister. We called the ranger’s but they did not know if she was there.
We wound up at the campsite, and found her. This was even harder than telling my brother. My little sister had no idea why I was there. She kept repeating to me after I told her “our dad?” then in a deeper voice not believing it with her face turning the darkest beet red I’ve ever seen, “our dad?”
She went into compete shock. I was so terrified she would be angry with me. She’s always the unpredictable one. To my extreme relief, she was so appreciative I came all the way to find and tell her. We hugged and all quickly left to find our mother who left to meet my uncle and aunt with the pastor’s wife.

My uncle (my dad’s oldest brother) and his wife came as fast as they could, just a 3 hour drive away. We decided to let him tell my grandpa what had happened. Nobody knew how he would take it.
I had a long talk with the pastor along the way. We told each other stories of our best memories with my dad. I told him about how I was had been confused for a long time about what I was doing. I even told him about my interests in relationships.

I wish I could fill the roles my dad had filled, but his life touched so many people. He was a cornerstone to our town. He was loved by everyone he knew.

My brother drove all the way across Montana, and arrived late that day.

I cried so much that day, but I also tried to be strong for so many. It’s so hard being in this place right now. I’m the oldest, so responsibility has been laid on my shoulders whether I like it or not. That night I was up late. I didn’t eat a whole lot as I don’t eat when I’m under stress, though I forced myself. I was the last one to go to sleep.

A lot has been happening today, but I am tired now. I’m not looking forward to when all the people here go home. I know that’s when it’s going to hit the hardest. The door has been revolving all day with people. I’ve been seeing friends who I’ve not seen in ages show up out of the blue.

When my friend Jason arrived with his wife, we went for a walk to the lake to chat. We got back and he saw the archery arrow catch curtain was up and to try to cheer me up he challenged me to hit the knot in the middle of the rope across the curtain. He said he didn’t think I could do it. I accepted the challenge, went and got my bow. I stuck the arrow right in the middle of the knot and it got stuck there through it. Challenge succeeded. I then taught him a bit about archery and how to shoot, then my uncle who drove over came outside to join us. He shot a bit too.

My uncle and I went up to my dad’s friend’s place up the road. He played his tank computer game with him almost every day some days in order to tell him in person what had happened. My uncle played tanks with them too, so it was fitting to tell them with him. It was all a shock.

Everyone has been taking it all differently. I can’t stop feeling my dad is just out on a long computer call or out practicing his guitar at church and should be back sometime soon, but I know that’s not the true. It just always feels like he should be here, especially with all the family here. It’s just so not a right feeling.

Well, I suppose it’s time to sleep now.

Nobody listening?

Well, it's been a while since I updated this place. I just don't really find much reason to write here, as nobody really reads it. If there is anyone out there who knows a place where people are actually reading and interested in what other people write, I would probably be more inclined to writing public articles more frequently. We will see.

Graduation!

I just wanted to brag a little! I'm going to graduate this year with a bachelor's degree in interdisciplinary studies in Japanese and English. If all goes well in the next two quarters I'll also graduate cum laude! I may even get to walk in the commencement ceremony on my birthday no less!

I have been joking lately that 2012 must be the end of the world for two more reasons. One is I am actually graduating, and two I'll probably get my diploma as a birthday present!

Anyway I still need to speak with the director of my degree program and work out the tiny details.

poignant, adj:

 

 1. Sharp, pungent, piquant to the taste or smell. Now rare.

 2.

a. Originally: painfully sharp to the physical or mental feelings, as hunger, thirst, a pang, an affront, etc.; also said of a state of feeling, as grief, regret, or despair. Later, chiefly of a mental or emotional experience or condition: regretful or painful, sometimes in a pleasurable way; tenderly sorrowful, bitter-sweet.

b. Stimulating to the mind, feelings, or passions; pleasantly or delightfully piquant. Now rare exc. as merged in later use of 2a.

c. Arousing or expressing deep emotions, esp. of sorrow or regret; keenly or deeply moving or affecting; (now esp. of art, literature, etc.) evoking a sense of sorrowful tenderness; touching.

3. Of a weapon or other pointed object: sharp-pointed, piercing. Obs.

4. Of elements, features, attributes, etc.: sharp, piercing, keen. Obs.

†5. Of words or expressions: sharp, stinging; severe; (also) pleasantly keen or pointed, piquant. Obs.

Oxford English Dictionary

Singin' in the Morning

Wow, I woke up and my voice feels really clear, all I can do is sing today. Here is a song my grandfather sings everyday.

Ulysses

Ulysses
Alfred Lord Tennyson

It little profits that an idle king,
By this still hearth, among these barren crags,
Matched with an aged wife, I mete and dole
Unequal laws unto a savage race,
That hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me.

I cannot rest from travel: I will drink
Life to the lees: all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone; on shore, and when
Through scudding drifts the rainy Hyades
Vext the dim sea: I am become a name;
For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known; cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments,
Myself not least, but honoured of them all;
And drunk delight of battle with my peers;
Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy.
I am part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethrough
Gleams that untravelled world, whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnished, not to shine in use!
As though to breath were life. Life piled on life
Were all to little, and of one to me
Little remains: but every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this gray spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.

This is my son, mine own Telemachus,
To whom I leave the scepter and the isle
Well-loved of me, discerning to fulfill
This labour, by slow prudence to make mild
A rugged people, and through soft degrees
Subdue them to the useful and the good.
Most blameless is he, centered in the sphere
Of common duties, decent not to fail
In offices of tenderness, and pay
Meet adoration to my household gods,
When I am gone. He works his work, I mine.

There lies the port; the vessel puffs her sail:
There gloom the dark broad seas. My mariners,
Souls that have toiled, and wrought, and thought with me
That ever with a frolic welcome took
The thunder and the sunshine, and opposed
Free hearts, free foreheads you and I are old;
Old age had yet his honour and his toil;
Death closes all: but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks:
The long day wanes: the slow moon climbs: the deep
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends,
'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in the old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are,
One equal-temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

Complimenting

Lets start with some awkward compliments:
"Your hair is so cool! It reminds me of a fruit roll up, but in a good way."
"Your voice sounds like a thousand unicorns."
"Your chromosomes have combined beautifully."
"Aw I like your hair! It reminds me of squirrel tails."
"That was a cute sneeze."
"You have a smile that is so bright and infectious."

So my thought here is, since I've never been great at complimenting, I just want to get better at it, so here is some silly stuff just for kicks and giggles.